There is no thing such an end really. I have learned that as much as my mind would love to, life does not work in straight lines and in black and white (I am still working on this…). I suppose I can call it the end of a chapter in this life time journey. And what a journey is proven to be. I have so much gratitude for all those that have crossed my path and slowly opened my heart and in one way or another push me in the direction of the Divine truth. What a clever mind that kept me under the illusion that I knew the Divine! I simply did not see it in me; as Yogi Bhajan said:”If you cannot see God in all, you cannot see God at all!” and that includes yourself!
Yesterday it was the last day of the residential KY Teacher Training level 1 at Hoath House run by Ishwara Kaur and Kirpal Singh. The end of an ashram experience is always a bit unique as you spend a week living in a complete different dimension (almost surreal, but you only get to realize that once you leave). Everything is setup to serve your soul, the company of other beautiful Ji’s that share this precious journey with you, the simple vegan food, the pure environment that keeps you away from unnecessary temptations and of course the protective spiritual blessing of the Teachers. However the extra challenge brought by this goodbye, was the fact that there was not going to be another week to look forward to and no more excuses for postponing the teaching.
It was weird getting on the train and seeing the outside word again, the familiarity was tainted by a feeling of alienation, knowing that it is where i belong and at the same time not quite sure of wanted to be there. It was nice to see my husband, I could tell he was really pleased to have me back 🙂
This morning I woke up feeling a bit lost… the routine I had for 7 days was no more. What do I do now? The sense of responsibility now kicks in: it is up to me; and as much as the teachings are going to support me, I cannot carry on leaning exclusively on the teachers or the sangha. I do feel a bit empty. I was supposed to go to a class this morning but I really did not feel up to it, I am not sure whether is Ego or just wanted to be kind to myself so I didn’t. I find it hard to live in the grey zone, so many possibilities where good and bad are no longer defining factors. I have acquired so much knowledge and yet I am feeling so confused. I think I am grieving, I need time to integrate in the knowledge that my regular Sadhana will have my back 🙂