I have not been in a formal job for 20 months. Initially I just wanted to take some time off to allow me to better take care of family issues without having to deal with holiday permissions. Gifting myself this opportunity has been great, finally being able to freely do what I have always been eager to do without having to worry about whether I was allowed to do it! As we all know ‘time flies when you are having fun’ and as few months turned into a year and few more months passed after that the sense of unsettledness started to sink-in.
Why is it that there is always a sense of guilt ready to jump up at any given opportunity. What makes it so difficult to just be and take stock? I have found myself questioning my needs, my motives for wanting a financial independence. I am not lacking anything, if anything I actually been gaining more and felt more complete in the last two years that ever before, so why is this not enough?
I know I have always had an issue in receiving and I have always felt that I need to deserve what comes to me. I always feel the need to give back. I do not enjoy the sensation of being in a vulnerable position just because I have taken, as if at any moment I could be presented with a bill. Do not get me wrong, it is beautiful to be able to have financial independence but at what price? There are times where we do not have a choice, it might be necessary for our survival and in those instances we will do anything to fulfill our needs and to some extent is what I have done so far. However, now I am in a position to question how I go about it. Perhaps it is time to start doing what I have come to this earth to do. Money is not everything, and by now you are also tired to hear that prosperity comes in different forms. Perhaps the time has come to forget about the social expectation of what constitutes a job and instead use our gifts to serve others and our society. I am starting to accept that I do have qualities that allow me to support others in their journey of self discovery, some will say I am a healer, althought I also do struggle with this definition: do you see the pattern? So it should not be that hard to just follow ones purpose without fulfilling the expectation of doing it within the constraint of a traditional job.
I am starting to realise that perhaps this is my next big hurdle, surrender to this reality where I get to honour my highest self and accepting the ways the universe is supporting me. My next frontier in uncharted territories. Sit with the discomfort, allow myself to be filled without judgement, savour being able to be taken care of, accept with grace what is coming and know that we all deserve by default, it is down to our own personal choices whether we allow ourselves to receive.
I am with you as you think that it is not easy, of course is not! It would not be a challenge otherwise. However I am feeling the readyness in my body, an excitment that feels like anxiety. What is the worst that can happen?
“Feel the fear and do it anyway” it is the only why to know if you will make it!
Arvind Kaur's blog 