Relapse

“How many rivers do we have to cross before we can talk to the boss”

Bob Marley

Is it the full moon or the effects of the latest 90 days meditation (37 1/5min of Long Ek Ong Kar plus 11min of Creator projection given as homework from my latest Level 2 Kundalini Yoga Teacher training with Ik Saran Dhian)? Whichever the case, all I know is that the last week has been extremely tough. I have been feeling extremely tearful, vulnerable and unable to move to a neutral space.

I have seen a lot of my insecurities resurface and my childhood scars reopen with the only difference that there isn’t any blame to be dished-out but plenty of awareness of how it is all about the Ego at play to keep me in the finite game of life. I am aware that during a personal spiritual journey it is not unusual to feel like one is going backwards rather than forward, and it is often stressed how this is should not be regarded so much as a demotion but a peeling of another layer in understanding our predicaments. However this time I have been surprised by the intensity of these emotions at a time where I truly felt I had moved on. I felt neglected, jealous, not worthy and unable to stop myself from reacting. Basically I have found myself re-living the stories I used to tell myself and the rest of the world, but this time with the awareness of knowing exactly that is just what they are, stories Then came the regret for not counting up to 10, for exposing my shadows and risking not to be liked by those I care for. All painfully “old stuff” which clearly still holds a lot of energy. I can see how I am still not able to fully have my own back, how there is still a not so subconscious expectation to be seen and feeling the pain of not being in control of what is coming.

There is also a lot of fear of moving forward, of stepping out of the comfort zone.

Today

This blog has been sitting in my drafts draw for nearly 18 months ad as you all well know by now, nothing is an accident. I am revisiting it today because somehow what I am going through righ now makes it relavant.

You honestly could not make up the way syncronicities force you to deal with unfinished business. The past I have been so attached to with all the stories I hid behind – that have help me built my armour of resilient, independent survivor and the victim of such harsh destiny that I have nourished for such a long time – has finally shown is true colours. It has succeded in keeping me prisoner, I spend so much time looking behind trying to fix or making sense of what remained unchangable that I only ended up making do with the present, without much enjoyinment but so much resentment. Now I have started to understand the message that my teachers have so patiently tried to convey. Now I look back and I see all the patterns: how I consistently short-changed myself, thinking that i did not deserve better; how I narrowed the possibilities blindly following a belief system that has only managed to castrate me and could never live up to its promise of happy ever after. My great consolation is seeing that my children have not followed in my footsteps and are living their best life and in that somehow my experience has taught them that much.

I am still not immune to triggers that are still able to bring out unplesant and self-demoting feelings, after all this is how deep conditioning works and it takes time to break that link. However once again the level of consciousness I have acquired allows me to see that, to recognize it for what it is, but to also be able to keep it where it belongs: in the past. Finally breaking its hold on the present and to the many possibilities still available for the taking.

Freeing all this energy is also releasing a lot of daily anxiety, which is not easy to sit comfortably with. It is a times a fear, others an excitement for what is coming, but is not paralising. It still hold a springy quality. The future is coming and about to reveal itself, I just have to keep balancing until I am ready to jump.

I could not have found a better sentence to express what I am feeling and trying to convey than the words of Marianne Williamson cited in Reveal a book that litterally fell in my hand, the only copy in the Pound shop, which I only picked up because I had read Feel many years back and found it magnificent:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measuure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens is.”

Life’s purpose

I have not been in a formal job for 20 months. Initially I just wanted to take some time off to allow me to better take care of family issues without having to deal with holiday permissions. Gifting myself this opportunity has been great, finally being able to freely do what I have always been eager to do without having to worry about whether I was allowed to do it! As we all know ‘time flies when you are having fun’ and as few months turned into a year and few more months passed after that the sense of unsettledness started to sink-in.

Why is it that there is always a sense of guilt ready to jump up at any given opportunity. What makes it so difficult to just be and take stock? I have found myself questioning my needs, my motives for wanting a financial independence. I am not lacking anything, if anything I actually been gaining more and felt more complete in the last two years that ever before, so why is this not enough?

I know I have always had an issue in receiving and I have always felt that I need to deserve what comes to me. I always feel the need to give back. I do not enjoy the sensation of being in a vulnerable position just because I have taken, as if at any moment I could be presented with a bill. Do not get me wrong, it is beautiful to be able to have financial independence but at what price? There are times where we do not have a choice, it might be necessary for our survival and in those instances we will do anything to fulfill our needs and to some extent is what I have done so far. However, now I am in a position to question how I go about it. Perhaps it is time to start doing what I have come to this earth to do. Money is not everything, and by now you are also tired to hear that prosperity comes in different forms. Perhaps the time has come to forget about the social expectation of what constitutes a job and instead use our gifts to serve others and our society. I am starting to accept that I do have qualities that allow me to support others in their journey of self discovery, some will say I am a healer, althought I also do struggle with this definition: do you see the pattern? So it should not be that hard to just follow ones purpose without fulfilling the expectation of doing it within the constraint of a traditional job.

I am starting to realise that perhaps this is my next big hurdle, surrender to this reality where I get to honour my highest self and accepting the ways the universe is supporting me. My next frontier in uncharted territories. Sit with the discomfort, allow myself to be filled without judgement, savour being able to be taken care of, accept with grace what is coming and know that we all deserve by default, it is down to our own personal choices whether we allow ourselves to receive.

I am with you as you think that it is not easy, of course is not! It would not be a challenge otherwise. However I am feeling the readyness in my body, an excitment that feels like anxiety. What is the worst that can happen?

“Feel the fear and do it anyway” it is the only why to know if you will make it!

Hast Kriya – Surrender

On Day 24  for the first time, I managed Hast Kriya without pain, without looking at the timer and no stop following the rhythm of the raj. I think I have learned what it means to really surrender: accept what it is for what it is, without judgement, attachment and attempt to control.

I have always found the concept of surrender, in a spiritual context, hard to digest. Does it mean to resign accepting defeat? In this case: when unable to keep up with the arms movement or with the pain, by simply conceding and taking a rest before carrying on. In a way is a bit like saying: “I am weak and I am fine with it.” Or does it mean to keep up allowing the unknown to reveal itself? By going through the pain it is finally possible to see what lies behind it. This is what I see as true surrender. I crossed the river leaving fear and the nagging thoughts that kept saying that It was impossible behind me. I told myself that whatever it is that I am experiencing, first of all will not last forever and secondly if anything it will get rid of all the tension I have been carrying on my shoulders for such a long time.

This does not mean that in the vein of surrendering I should put myself through acceptance of anything! This is where the difference between Fate and Destiny lies. One has to always remember in Yogi Bhajan’s word that:

Destiny is living according to what the soul took birth to do. It is the deep wisdom within ourselves, constantly illuminating the path before us. Destiny can involve choices that make no sense, risks that we’d rather not take, challenges that make us want to hide under the covers, and opportunities that push us past our limits. Destiny may not always feel safe and secure. But when we live according to destiny, it gives us a profound sense of satisfaction.

When we embrace our destiny we make choices, we don’t just sit and wait to see what is going to happen. We cultivate the courage to push through the challenges ahead knowing that despite the hardship the right result will come out of it. A results that should not be read as good or bad but as what is needed at specific point of our spiritual development. A results which should not be dictated by our set of beliefs. To put it simply as my husband will say: ‘the little boy/girl who says I can, will climb to the hilltop; the little boy/girl who says I can’t will be at the bottom stop.’

The day I had this revelation and decided to push away the walls of my beliefs and endure the pain – telling myself that if I managed to survive 6 years of sciatic pain (how apt!) because I had no choice but to live with it, I could go through 22 minutes of left shoulder pain – the pain just disappeared. It is not a miracle, it was always there for the taking if only allowed to manifest itself.

I keep being so grateful for this wonderful discipline that keeps bringing me gifts of an open heart, compassion, tolerance, courage, love and so much more waiting to be allowed to manifest.

Wahe Guru!