Unconditional love/Self love

What a roller-coaster ride have these last 7 months been.

I have been battling with persistent anxiety for the first time in my life. I feel real compassion for those who suffer persistently with this condition. I remember the time when I could not relate to the paralyzing feeling that literally stops someone from wanting to engage in any activity, that makes them feel like everything it is just too much. I used to think that the idea that you could just not bring yourself to do something, to be a bit of an exaggeration. Something so foreign to me, since am so used to push through whenever it is required of me. It might sound like a cliche but there is nothing like a first hand experience. The Buddha was absolutely spot on when he said that: “knowledge brings compassion.” Now I know just how though it is to get out of bed with that weight on my chest, which makes breathing a chore and life seem purposeless.

I have been taught that what makes anxiety so incapacitating is not knowing what causes it. When we are scared of somethings we are somewhat in control of trying to find strategies to avoid the object of our fear. Not knowing your enemy makes it impossible to fight it. Therefore I found myself with this sense of emptiness. I could not avoid thinking about what I was lacking, drowning in my victim story of not being loved enough, of not being anyones priority. Despite years of training into looking within for answers I was still falling into the trap of expecting an external source to make take responsibility and make me feel better. My insecurities are still having the best of me.

I had never had to face sleepless nights, and till now I have always been so proud to advertise just how much and how well I slept, to all my friends battling with insomnia. Serves me right! I found myself waking up at 2:00am staring at the ceiling with what felt like a stone sitting on my chest.

This post was meant to be published just after my birthday as a celebration of another year of spiritual growth, but found myself just not even knowing where to start. I thought I had finally got to embody Unconditional love, only to realize soon after just how dependent I am still from external validation. Honestly, this onion seems to have infinite layers.

I have been trying to make sense of this discomfort, looking for possible causes and linking them to those that I had identified in my previous post i.e travelling and financial uncertainty. However the extent of the current anxiety outburst has made those connection null, as now the symptoms persist even in absence of those instances.

Recently I have come across videos of Mate Gabor, a retired physician that has worked for many years in palliative care units. At the centre of his study is the relationships between childhood trauma and Illnesses. He has captured my attention form the first video that I watched, his words resonated profoundly with my personal experience. One of the rare instances where I felt that someone understood precisely what I was feeling. I started listening to his book: “The Myth of Normal “on Spotify and was quickly compelled to buy a paper copy, as it is one of those books whose passages I needed to underline, fix in my mind.

His words have been so validating, regardless of the fact that I am still the one being asked to do the work, as nobody is to blame for how my traumatic experiences are making me respond to triggers. I love his quote: ‘Trauma is not what happened to you but what happened inside of you as a result of it.” It does not seem much, but it makes a big difference to think that I can still choose how to react to certain situations knowing that the first reaction just follow a script that has been running behind the scene despite the real nature of the facts. Although far from easy, I found that even just being aware of these patterns and noticing the links with our childhood experiences is somehow liberating.

to be continued….

Relapse

“How many rivers do we have to cross before we can talk to the boss”

Bob Marley

Is it the full moon or the effects of the latest 90 days meditation (37 1/5min of Long Ek Ong Kar plus 11min of Creator projection given as homework from my latest Level 2 Kundalini Yoga Teacher training with Ik Saran Dhian)? Whichever the case, all I know is that the last week has been extremely tough. I have been feeling extremely tearful, vulnerable and unable to move to a neutral space.

I have seen a lot of my insecurities resurface and my childhood scars reopen with the only difference that there isn’t any blame to be dished-out but plenty of awareness of how it is all about the Ego at play to keep me in the finite game of life. I am aware that during a personal spiritual journey it is not unusual to feel like one is going backwards rather than forward, and it is often stressed how this is should not be regarded so much as a demotion but a peeling of another layer in understanding our predicaments. However this time I have been surprised by the intensity of these emotions at a time where I truly felt I had moved on. I felt neglected, jealous, not worthy and unable to stop myself from reacting. Basically I have found myself re-living the stories I used to tell myself and the rest of the world, but this time with the awareness of knowing exactly that is just what they are, stories Then came the regret for not counting up to 10, for exposing my shadows and risking not to be liked by those I care for. All painfully “old stuff” which clearly still holds a lot of energy. I can see how I am still not able to fully have my own back, how there is still a not so subconscious expectation to be seen and feeling the pain of not being in control of what is coming.

There is also a lot of fear of moving forward, of stepping out of the comfort zone.

Today

This blog has been sitting in my drafts draw for nearly 18 months ad as you all well know by now, nothing is an accident. I am revisiting it today because somehow what I am going through righ now makes it relavant.

You honestly could not make up the way syncronicities force you to deal with unfinished business. The past I have been so attached to with all the stories I hid behind – that have help me built my armour of resilient, independent survivor and the victim of such harsh destiny that I have nourished for such a long time – has finally shown is true colours. It has succeded in keeping me prisoner, I spend so much time looking behind trying to fix or making sense of what remained unchangable that I only ended up making do with the present, without much enjoyinment but so much resentment. Now I have started to understand the message that my teachers have so patiently tried to convey. Now I look back and I see all the patterns: how I consistently short-changed myself, thinking that i did not deserve better; how I narrowed the possibilities blindly following a belief system that has only managed to castrate me and could never live up to its promise of happy ever after. My great consolation is seeing that my children have not followed in my footsteps and are living their best life and in that somehow my experience has taught them that much.

I am still not immune to triggers that are still able to bring out unplesant and self-demoting feelings, after all this is how deep conditioning works and it takes time to break that link. However once again the level of consciousness I have acquired allows me to see that, to recognize it for what it is, but to also be able to keep it where it belongs: in the past. Finally breaking its hold on the present and to the many possibilities still available for the taking.

Freeing all this energy is also releasing a lot of daily anxiety, which is not easy to sit comfortably with. It is a times a fear, others an excitement for what is coming, but is not paralising. It still hold a springy quality. The future is coming and about to reveal itself, I just have to keep balancing until I am ready to jump.

I could not have found a better sentence to express what I am feeling and trying to convey than the words of Marianne Williamson cited in Reveal a book that litterally fell in my hand, the only copy in the Pound shop, which I only picked up because I had read Feel many years back and found it magnificent:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measuure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens is.”

Life’s purpose

I have not been in a formal job for 20 months. Initially I just wanted to take some time off to allow me to better take care of family issues without having to deal with holiday permissions. Gifting myself this opportunity has been great, finally being able to freely do what I have always been eager to do without having to worry about whether I was allowed to do it! As we all know ‘time flies when you are having fun’ and as few months turned into a year and few more months passed after that the sense of unsettledness started to sink-in.

Why is it that there is always a sense of guilt ready to jump up at any given opportunity. What makes it so difficult to just be and take stock? I have found myself questioning my needs, my motives for wanting a financial independence. I am not lacking anything, if anything I actually been gaining more and felt more complete in the last two years that ever before, so why is this not enough?

I know I have always had an issue in receiving and I have always felt that I need to deserve what comes to me. I always feel the need to give back. I do not enjoy the sensation of being in a vulnerable position just because I have taken, as if at any moment I could be presented with a bill. Do not get me wrong, it is beautiful to be able to have financial independence but at what price? There are times where we do not have a choice, it might be necessary for our survival and in those instances we will do anything to fulfill our needs and to some extent is what I have done so far. However, now I am in a position to question how I go about it. Perhaps it is time to start doing what I have come to this earth to do. Money is not everything, and by now you are also tired to hear that prosperity comes in different forms. Perhaps the time has come to forget about the social expectation of what constitutes a job and instead use our gifts to serve others and our society. I am starting to accept that I do have qualities that allow me to support others in their journey of self discovery, some will say I am a healer, althought I also do struggle with this definition: do you see the pattern? So it should not be that hard to just follow ones purpose without fulfilling the expectation of doing it within the constraint of a traditional job.

I am starting to realise that perhaps this is my next big hurdle, surrender to this reality where I get to honour my highest self and accepting the ways the universe is supporting me. My next frontier in uncharted territories. Sit with the discomfort, allow myself to be filled without judgement, savour being able to be taken care of, accept with grace what is coming and know that we all deserve by default, it is down to our own personal choices whether we allow ourselves to receive.

I am with you as you think that it is not easy, of course is not! It would not be a challenge otherwise. However I am feeling the readyness in my body, an excitment that feels like anxiety. What is the worst that can happen?

“Feel the fear and do it anyway” it is the only why to know if you will make it!

The long road away from codependency toward self-love and secure attachment

I was writing a message aimed at checking up on a friend and it ended up being a blog. I thought I might as well share it here considering the nature of the sticky subject. It all started when the universe gifted me the opportunity to watch the 3rd season of “this is Us”, I  love this show so much. It makes me feel how we are all i this together with all our vulnerability, false assumptions and yet so much greatness. I needed it. our ego often fails to see just how close the other one really is whilst busy comparing. I have learned that things “don’t happen for a reason”, as the reason is a way for the ego to justify what is happening and somehow make it do; but rather they just happen. However I do believe that whatever come, good or bad has does carry a lesson. I found myself wondering which lesson was I supposed to learn during this “forced” week off. Forced, because I had requested for my holiday to be cancelled since I could not travel to Japan, but my manager was not really willing to spoil his plans. I know that if I was prepared to push for it, he will have given in, but being an extremely fair person who does not believe in winging,  I opened my heart to a solitary, stay put week in the “company” of an expert in self-care.

Towards the end of the week it occurred to me that i fooled myself in thinking that I had indeed moved from co-dependency to self-love. I recognize that there has been an improvement for sure but as usual it is a about layers. This is a huge onion and it stings. Guru is making sure I see the danger, the enemy is very good at blending with its surroundings, a bit like this virus, is there but you cannot see it. Guru is dangling the carrot in my face, seeing just how far I am prepared to go to get it or even better testing how I am coping with not having it! He is giving the opportunity to share this journey with someone that has managed to move from dependency to self sufficiency and self love but unlike other model  I had, is able to really sees me, loves me for who I am and is able to set healthy boundaries supporting my growth through love and not as a defence mechanism. Like a good teacher that delivers the student to itself and not to his own ego. It is a real interesting dynamic: i feel his presence, i trust him completely, i believe his feelings whilst at the same time my ego tries really hard to find proofs to discredit all of it, and yet is met with such neutrality that is disarming, no room for resentment but just reflecting back areas for growth. Yesterday as i was watching the interaction between Randall and Rachel and for the first time I could see that such relationship is possible. 

However says like today reminds me just how much work there is still to be made, just how insecure I still am with those I care for, and just how difficult it is to shrug off this mantra of not being enough, not being the first choice. I intellectually understand the ins and outs but put it into practice is all a different matter.

Waheguru